Thank you for reading. It makes me feel like my voice still matters when everyone else that I thought would support me, are trying to stop me from talking.
Love you, all.
Dear Ysa and friends who still read this
I’m unstable right now. I’ve decided to start writing again, in hopes to ease my mind, and just to have a safe space to throw away all these words circling in my head. They’re starting to feel like poison, slowly killing me, manifesting itself physically.
My friends are tired of hearing my complaints – that’s what I call them because they cause me pain. They say I know exactly what I need to do. To be honest, I really don’t know what to do. Where do I even begin?
I’m becoming more forgetful everyday. I think my mind is trying to cope by purging all the useless information, but there are things that I need to remember even if they seem unimportant now.
But the one thing I cannot forget is how my husband called me stupid. I really want to forget that because I’m starting to believe that I am.
06
Day 06/30 30 interesting facts about yourself
The original challenge feels like forced self-affirmation, so I’ll just state 30 current and mundane facts about myself.
At least I still found some form of courage to pick up where I left off of this 30 day blog challenge, already existing for 6 years and counting. Who am I blogging for anyway? An upgraded version of my future self?
1. Mother of 1 beautiful boy
2. Married, 2 years. just married.
3. Youngest child
4. Forgot how to play every god damn instrument I tried to study
5. Just overcame PPD
6. I have a dog. – the most consistent thing in my life since I started this in 2009
7. Trichotillomania
8. Bulletproofing my diet but still fails at it
9. Raised by jewelers
10. I have no driver’s license
11. Havent been out of the country since 2014
12. Found some old friends recently and reconnected
13. Due for a graphic but decided to write this instead
14. The Cardigans has been on loop lately but only in my mind
15. Cannot believe there are 2 existing Duterte-types in my world
16. Has trust issues
17. Routinely googles own name, just to be sure.
18. Feminist
19. Fed is best. Formula or breastmilk.
20. Would really love to *inspire* change to the world for the better. But how?
21. Believes that having a baby, getting married doesn’t qualify a person to be considered mature/adult. haha.
22. Self-reliant… before.
23. I don’t have a favourite colour anymore.
24. Hasn’t slept properly for the last 2 years (and counting)
25. Hasn’t changed my playlist since 2009
26. Would love to buy a new pair of jeans and shoes
27. 32 on Sunday
28. i believe problems are everywhere and solutions to them are everywhere too
29. i believe happiness comes from solving problems, it is fleeting
30. misquoting a fucked up self-help book because I can
You’ll be glad to know that your grandson would only drink from his cup if we clink our glasses together. *Cheers* to the best dad in the whole wide world.
Of fathers and husbands
A few hours ago, I was cradling my son to sleep when he hugged me, like really clinged on to me, like he understood how lonely I felt today, like he was telling me “Mommy, I am here. You aren’t alone. Happy birthday.”
I remembered the past Junes of my life celebrating my birthday, and then Father’s day because it usually falls on the same week so we’d end up celebrating both on the weekend.
I remembered how my dad picked me up from work during one of those freak rainy days when Makati flooded like a river. One time, he drove from Pampanga to The Fort because I can’t get any cabs. He said that his car, a Terrano, is invincible and was made to renegade on floodwaters. It took him 4 hours to reach where I am from Masantol and then 4 hours more to go home.
I remembered how the other night, I knocked on the window of my husband’s car, asking him to let me and my son in because it’s “mahamog” and the baby just got well from a week-long fever.
I picked up a few groceries and a fight I cannot win–ever. He was shouting on the phone and honked at me. I told my helper to tow away the stroller and go to a tent that was nearby for shelter. My husband started the engine and made a U-turn, sped away, and with no remorse, left us there in the parking lot.
I was thinking how my dad would have saved me from this freak flood of neglect. I was wishing he’d be alive to pick me and his grandson up and take us away. But he is dead and this is my only birthday wish today. It won’t happen, not even if I combine all the wishing powers for all the Junes I have left in this lifetime.
You do not get to abuse me whenever your truth does not match mine.
I do not care if you say sorry to me or to your child but I will find comfort in the thought of you carrying that unpleasant feeling of regret forever.
I will be kind to you. I will forgive you.
05
Day 05/30 a time you thought about ending your life
Been sitting on Day 05 for days now. It’s a hard topic to discuss. However, I am alive and well and that is all that matters.
You should say hello to your friends more often. You might be saving that friend’s life just because you took the time to say hello. If you know someone who is right there and then showing signs and telling you directly about ending their life, do something to prevent it – or maybe call (02)804-4673 a suicide and depression hotline in the Philippines.
04
DAY 04/30 - Your views on religion
can we skip this? i feel so uneasy about this.
it’s like politics, no one is ever right but people keep proving to the other person that what they believe is false! So much self-righteousness is mistaken for faith.
03
ah Tumblr! a place where we can overshare and no one cares if we do because they’re all thumbing away somewhere else online (facebook)
DAY 03/30 - Your view on drugs and alcohol
DELIKADO, BAKA MA T O K H A N G TAYO.
I haven’t given this much thought lately. It’s just that, addiction is such a struggle and I try to keep myself away from struggles nowadays, lol.
My dad was an alcoholic and it was the cause of his death; he had a few bottles of beer the night before he died so the alcohol made his heart stop beating whilst asleep. Even then, I still drank my way out of depression every night to help me forget blaming people including myself for his death.
I never really vowed to give up alcohol but have gotten over it when I had Vito. I still have a casual drink when there’s an extra need to relax. Because the losyangness that comes with motherhood is real. Pass me the cordial, Anne.
Whatever. Do everything in moderation.
02
ah Tumblr! a place where we can overshare and no one cares if we do because they’re all thumbing away somewhere else online (facebook)
I actually came back to do DAY 02/30 - Where you’d like to be in 10 years
what a feat!
The requirement for this day can be answered in so many ways, unless you want to do something else more productive than read the next paragraphs. ‘Til then thanks for bearing with me, I guess?
In terms of physical location, I’d really like to stay where I currently live. I’ve never really planted my roots in one place ever since I was a kid. It was always a complicated answer whenever somebody asks me where I’m really from. I’d tell them “My mom is from Pampanga, my dad is from Batangas, I was born in Pasig, I lived in Makati, grew up in Paranaque and Las Pinas but ended up back in Makati, but then I relocated to Manila.” Now I can just say, “I’m from Imus in Cavite.” I really like the peace I feel when I answer that question now. It’s like I can finally bloom. FLOWER EMOJI
Today is mother’s day; a made up holiday to celebrate how us mothers really do not know what we’re doing in life. Motherhood, it’s 90% trial and error… mostly errors. To lessen the pressure, I just let my 11 month old son wobble walk until he trips on another obstacle while from afar, I drink my stale coffee in a BEST MOM IN THE WWW mug.
Okay, so in 10 years time, my son will be 10 years old too. He will then be aware of the wonders and horrors of the internet! (netflix kids and porn) I still am unsure whether I would be able to survive parenthood in the next 10 years but I do hope I will. Who doesn’t want to become a better person for their child anyway? – and by that, let me tell you a story about today:
My husband suggested we do a little family ritual that we should do everyday. He wants us to think of 3 things that we are grateful for the day. We can’t repeat the 3 things we said yesterday. The 3 things must always be new. We have to share it before we all go to bed. I can’t even religiously take my vitamin C, but since he seems determined to do this, then I should give it a try. I’d like to see if my husband and I can really do this ritual until Vito can join us because that must mean we aren’t separated yet. What does a wife and mother need to do to keep her family normally together these days?!
01
ah Tumblr! a place where we can overshare and no one cares if we do because they’re all thumbing away somewhere else online (facebook)
This blog has been on this webspace for quite some time now. It felt weird to type that sentence because Mocha Uson has a blog– on facebook. (ikr????) My tumblr has been a silent witness of some of my bad decisions in life, mostly about love. Dusting up so many skeletons and tendons in the closet is so hard! I just can’t believe I’m writing this now, because the draft has been sitting here for 5 years already. I think it’s about time I fucking update the 25-year old me and just press that publish button blindly.
DAY 01/30 - Your current relationship. If single, discuss how single life is.
I’m married. woah. I’m fucking married now. 1 and a half years. I can’t say it’s the same for everyone involved (aka my husband) but this marriage in particular has made me jaded. SORRY FOLKS. Fuck romance. Marriage is hard work. You do your best to tolerate one another and try to make it tomorrow healthy and alive.
The Art of Phillip K. Smith III
Phillip K. Smith III received his Bachelor of Fine Arts and Bachelor of Architecture at the Rhode Island School of Design. From his Palm Desert, CA-based studio, he continues to push the boundaries and confront the ideas of modernist design. Drawing inspiration from the cold rigidity of the Bauhaus movement, the reductive geometries of minimalism, and the optic sensation of California’s Light and Space movement, Smith III attempts to resolve the complex challenge of finding a natural state of life and spirit within these ideological aesthetic constrictions. The results are deceptively simple and compelling objects that seem to breathe and move as you observe and interact with them.
Projects identified from the top:
- Lucid Stead (images 01-03)
- Quarter Mile Arc (images 04-07)
- Reflection Field (images 08-10)
Follow the Source Link for images sources and more information.
(Source: architectureatlas.wordpress.com)
Busy na mamaya. Merry Christmas!
Suddenly many other angels came down from heaven and joined in praising God. They said:
“Praise God in heaven! Peace on earth to everyone who pleases God.”
Luke 2:13-14 CEVUS06
